Edgar!
What did he die of?
The same thing our Church is going to die of.
Old age.
...et apostolicae fidei cultoribus.
What is it about that statuette that you find so sensual?
I'd prefer not to delve into my psyche.
Holy Father, donations have declined.
Revenues from religious taxes
which our bishops and dioceses depend on for their survival
have declined.
Tourist visits to the Vatican have declined
greatly reducing the influx of funds to Vatican City.
There is not much that the Vatican Bank can do.
Our days of free willing finances are over.
Changes in banking regulations mean that our hands are now tied.
If we continue on this course
we'll be forced to start selling off our artistic patrimony
simply to survive.
The faithful will return.
It's a natural cycle.
For now, the faithful are not returning.
And small but dangerous enclaves of Catholic fundamentalism
are starting to spring up, just like in Islam.
Islam has more followers than the Catholic Church.
Don't you find it a burden to take on the responsibility
of such risky and unpopular decisions?
No.
Your Holiness, who are you, really?
Pushing. Pushing, OK.
OK, Esther.
Push more.
Push. Very good, Very good.
OK, Esther, OK, OK, OK.
Keep pushing, keep pushing now.
OK.
OK, OK.
? Kyrie Eleison
? Christe Eleison
? Kyrie Eleison
? Pater Noster, qui es in Caelis
? Sanctificetur Nomen Tuum
? Adveniat Regnum Tuum
? Fiat voluntas Tua
? Sicut in Caelo, et in Terra
? Panem nostrum quotidianum
? Da nobis hodie
? Et dimitte nobis debita nostra
? Sicut et nos dimittimus
? Debitoribus nostris
? Et ne nos inducas in tentationem
? Sed libera nos a malo ?
Flowers!
This is for the baby.
You shouldn't have, Holy Father.
It's a Bible that belonged to Thomas Jefferson
the President of the United States
but it's like new, he never opened it.
We certainly can't blame Jefferson, the Bible isn't light reading.
We named him Pius.
A name for a bird.
He'll fly high!
Do you want to hold him, Your Holiness?
That really would be an unusual experience for me.
And for Peter and I it would be an honor.
Pleasure to make your acquaintance, Mr. Pius XIV.
It's a pity we can't remember what we smelled like
when we were babies.
I do remember what my parents smelled like.
He takes after you.
But if you look closely, he also takes a little...
No. He's a very good-looking baby.
He resembles his mother.
Holy Father.
Forgive me. I'm such a fool.
My hands only know how to bless people.
It's all right Holy Father, nothing happened.
I'm such an idiot.
We all have to get used to new things, Holy Father.
Nothing happened.
Yes, yes you're right, Peter.
Valente, was there something you wanted to tell me?
Holy Father, the Italian Prime Minister is waiting for you in the Vatican.
Yes, of course, it had slipped my mind.
Esther, I must go.
In my head, I'll be at this audience
but in my heart I'll never have left this room.
It's surprising to see how a young woman
just moments after having a child, can be transformed into a mother.
Are you asleep, Holy Father?
No, Mr. Prime Minister. I'm praying for you
That's very thoughtful of you.
And thanks very much for giving me this audience
after just nine months.
I didn't think you'd be running the Country this long.
I said to myself: why bother?
But I was wrong.
Well...
how is this Italy of ours doing?
Much better, thanks to me.
You think so? - Yes.
I think just the opposite.
You want it to do "much better"
perhaps you should keep firmly in mind this list of requests.
I jotted it down in a hurry just a few minutes ago.
If there's anything I've left off, I can certainly add it to the list.
I'll make sure you receive it promptly.
" Greater assistance to Catholic families
no to common law marriages.
Mmm.
No to gay marriages - Mmm.
more money to Catholic schools
further tax and banking benefits to the Holy See.
Absolute prohibition of abortion in all cases.
Absolute prohibition of divorce in all cases.
No to any temptation to accept euthanasia
restrictions on the religious freedom
of Muslims and Hindus.
Mmm.
A reopening of discussions on the Lateran Pacts.
A full review of the territorial boundaries of the Vatican State."
This last request really is remarkable, I have to admit.
I didn't know that you had expansionistic ambitions.
But I was told before coming that this new Pope is a very funny man.
But did they forget to inform you that this new Pope
was a man far more intelligent than you?
No. Because it isn't true.
Do you know what the difference is between me and you, Holy Father?
Let's hear.
The difference is that I was elected with 41% of the votes.
That 41% exists.
You were elected by God.
And it's not a sure thing that God exists.
Fine!
There's another element worthy of your consideration:
just in case God does happen to exist
do you know how long it would take Him to wipe
that 41% off the face of the earth?
And where will God eradicate that 41%?
At the polls in the next election?
Or in their homes while they're watching TV?
Or perhaps in their sleep!
At the polls in the next election.
And what's more: I, as the vicar of Christ
would be happy to help God eradicate that 41%.
And if you don't stop playing the idiot
I'm gonna be forced to prove to you that God does exist.
Let me explain something to you, Holy Father. - Please.
Your demands might have some basis in fact
at any other point in history.
At a point in history when the Church was stronger
than it is right now
the Italian political equation would have been obliged
to take your demands under serious consideration.
The way it always has in the past.
But now
let us briefly analyze your Papacy, Holy Father.
In the past nine months you have never shown yourself
to the faithful.
You have not recited a single Angelus in St. Peter's Square
you have not communicated with anyone
you have simply retreated into your palace on the hill
and you have threatened and terrorized the faithful
through your terse and telegraphic communiqués
in L'Osservatore Vaticano, with obscurantist and retrograde theses.
The result has been that
according to a number of highly respected studies
Italian Catholics have turned away from the Church en masse.
This new development not only allows me to ignore your requests
but it gives me an even greater opportunity:
finally to modernize Italy.
Without fear of retaliation or the risk of losing support among voters
I can review the colossal fraud
of the eight per thousand Church tax
finally imposing punitive taxes on the dioceses.
And, most important of all
I can finally free the country from the pork barrels
stumbling blocks, and vetoes of the Holy Roman Church
in the areas of euthanasia, common law marriages
gay couples, abortion, scientific research.
To cut a long story short, Holy Father
thanks to you I can start a revolution.
A very persuasive speech.
I'm glad we're finally beginning to talk sense.
Persuasive and stupid
I might add, like every politicians' speech.
And what's more, unrealizable.
Unrealizable? - Hmm.
We shall see about that!
Now, if you'd care to listen to me
I'll show you that God exists
and how God and I can annihilate that 41% of the population
that makes you feel so cheerful and full of yourself.
I am very eager to hear what you have to say, Holy Father.
I'm glad.
You see, Mr. Prime Minister
in the Sixties the young people that protested in the streets
spouted all kind of heresies
all except one:
power to the imagination.
In that, they were correct.
The only problem was they had no imagination.
And neither do you.
But God and I have plenty.
God and I are simply dripping with imagination.
Now, just try and imagine something with me:
Hmm? - Hmm.
in six months, Italy will hold the general election
and you will try to maintain or increase
your 41% share of the electorate.
And right now everything indeed
points to your ability to maintain that 41%.
Yeah.
But just imagine
a few weeks before the election, there comes an announcement.
Pope Pius XIII has decided to appear in public
for the very first time.
To talk to the Italian Catholics.
What morbid curiosity!
The whole world is dying of curiosity.
And it is absolutely to be expected
it's normal, we all want to see that which is hidden
we all want to stare the forbidden in the face.
Pius XIII appears and so do his beautiful blue-eyes...
and this soft, round mouth.
A dazzling image
so dazzling it blinds people.
In other words, a powerful, an evocative image
not unlike that of Christ.
But Pius XIII doesn't merely dazzle
he offers reassurance as well.
With a magnificent speech, full of quotations in Latin
it tells them that they, the faithful, must not be afraid.
And why would they be afraid, with a Pope as handsome
and reassuring as Christ?
Last of all, just a few short weeks before the elections
the Pope says just two words:
"non expedit".
Do you know what that means? - No.
No, of course you don't. You're far too young.
The "non expedit" was first issued by Pius IX in 1868.
It was eliminated by Benedict XV in 1919
but guess what I can do?
What I, who am not answerable to 41% of the Italians
but only to God who, by the way, does not express His displeasure
on social network if I make a mistake.
Guess what I can do?
I can restore the "non expedit".
The Catholics will all rush to Google those words.
What do they mean?
The "non expedit" means that the Holy Father
decrees it is unacceptable for Catholics
to vote in the Italian elections.
And do you know what the surveys that you have commissioned tell us?
They tell us that the number of Italians who identify themselves
as Catholics are 87.8% of the population.
Now you may say to me:
they could simply disobey you.
True.
But while a Catholic might disobey the Pope
they'd never disobey Christ.
I'm already the former
but believe me, if I want to
I can have myself accredited as the latter as well
and when I do, you'll lose your election.
Here's how it works:
since you get 31% of your votes from the Catholic electorate
you'd wind up with a mere 10%.
I wouldn't be so sure of those numbers, if I were you.
Mr. Prime Minister
take a look in this mirror.
What do you see?
Two young men.
One of whom is dressed in a slightly odd style.
I, on the other hand, see two media events.
One has already taken place, that's you.
The other is about to happen.
Now, having set out
to prove to you the existence of God
I believe I'm done.
But in that case, why...
why haven't you appeared in public yet?
Because...
there's still no need.
Holy Father, would you like me to see what I can do
to mend the relations with the Italian Government?
- He's bluffing. - Who?
The young man in a hurry speaking on TV right now.
He's selling smoke and mirrors.
He won't do a thing he says.
Holy Father, I've read the draft bills
that have already been approved by the various commissions.
These people are deadly serious.
The revision of the eight per thousand Church tax
would threaten the survival of the Italian bishops.
Would that be such a bad thing?
What do we care? You and I are the Holy See.
The Italian bishops can take care of themselves.
Holy Father, I beg you, this is no laughing matter.
Rest easy, he's bluffing.
Holy Father, believe me, political awareness
is an archetypal emotion for the Secretary of State.
Soccer mania is an archetypal emotion for the Secretary of State.
I want to let you know that I've been working hard on something new.
On what?
A measure forbidding priests from giving absolution
in the confessional to women who have had abortions.
Its a kind of soft, disguised form of excommunication.
Holy Father, we will wake up and find the women of the world
led by the Femen, rushing the walls of the Vatican
hammers in hand, bent on destruction.
Fine. We'll rebuild those walls, taller and finer.
Old and unreliable Rorschach tests.
Orders to investigate intrusively into the past of aspiring priests.
Young men paid bounties to lure those aspiring priests
into compromising sexual situations
as soon as they're allowed out into the world.
That's what I read in the directive I found on my desk this morning
drawn up by who knows what renegade underling while I was in Honduras.
Drawn up by me!
Every candidate for priesthood takes a vow of chastity.
Their sexual predilections are irrelevant.
Every candidate for priesthood
takes a vow of chastity and none of them respect it.
That's the truth.
Well, I'm telling you no.
Lenny, I'm not okay with this.
I didn't go looking for my parents.
Instead, I went back to the orphanage,
in order to be with my friend Andrew Dussolier
who was all I had left in the world.
That was the beginning.
You owe me, as a friend, and as a man of the cloth
who acknowledges my authority, you must do what I ask.
? Do you know
? How sad it is to be a man alone
? I feel so
? solitary being in my home
? Without you
? I don't know what to do
? And I don't know where you are
? I can see
? My life is meant to fall apart some day
? I got no girl
? So I got no world
? And I got no words left to say ?
Here you are: Sanchez Angelo.
My superiors have determined that you are neither suited for
nor worthy of the priesthood.
You are prohibited from requesting admission to a seminary
in your home diocese or in any other, for seven years.
Why?
Put in simpler terms, the sexual disturbances afflicting you
are unacceptable in terms of our standards.
What do you want?
Your resignation.
Otherwise...
our order will threaten a schism.
A schism?
Just try it.
I'll strip you of all you have.
Everything.
Your beds, your tunics, your underpants
all those wonderful monasteries you have in the most wonderful
loveliest places on earth.
Because all that belongs to me.
Are you ready to live on the streets? Like St. Francis of Assisi?
Are you ready to sleep on the ground
kicked and spat upon by junkies, and homeless people, and drunks?
I'm ready to wage a war without end against you.
Are you ready to wage that war
armed with nothing but bottomless poverty?
I didn't think so.
And in that case, stop talking bullshit
and get yourselves some shoes
because the air in here is unbreathable.
Cardinal Dussolier
I know you, but you don't know me.
I'm Contessa Emma Meraviglia, the wife of General Meraviglia.
You know, I don't like seeing you all on your own.
I'm accustomed to it, signora.
That's a bad custom to get into.
My girlfriends would compete to keep you company.
And so would I.
In any case, my husband and I will be hosting a party
Thursday at our villa.
If you're at loose ends, please come.
It would be an honor for my husband and me.
OK, thank you. I'll keep it in mind.
Bye.
My name is Angelo Sanchez.
I was born in Alicante into a family of manual laborers
and I am not a homosexual.
I had such a simple dream: to serve God.
You murdered my dream.
You are nothing more than a pathetic
miserable, cowardly murderer.
I could have been an excellent priest.
Yeah, you could have.
I want to go home.
What do you mean, home?
We're both orphans.
You too? - Me too.
I was abandoned by my parents when I was just three years old.
Children are so lovely when they are three years of age.
How can anyone abandon a three year old?
Where do you find the nerve?
I never knew you were an orphan, too.
Well... now you know.
Does Lenny know? - No.
And he never will.
Why not?
Because...
you don't steal the stage from the Pope.
And you don't interfere with his sorrow.